How pervasive is my unbelief.
God said that He is good and gracious, and He had demonstrated His character over and over again. Through creation, the seasons, and mornings after nights. He had proved His goodness towards me over and over again so intimately. And He had sent His Son to redeem this world full of rebels against Him, proving His gracious character once and for all. At a great cost to Himself, He showed His character is trustworthy. And yet, my lack of faith in God is more pervasive than I'd like to think. It is only when I do realise an incident, an expression of that unbelief, that I am appalled and frightened.
Here is one of those incidents.
I have had really wonderful past few days. It was my first time entering a new year with a wife. And I spent really good time with close friends who welcomed us into their house, nay, more into their lives and made us feel loved and encouraged. It was one of the best beginnings of the year I had.
But then, today, I suddenly felt as though I had to make sure that they knew I really enjoyed the time and want to do it again. I felt I had to tell them in a special way how much I appreciate their friendship.
Why, you might be thinking, that sounds good and right?
It was then when God illumined a corner of my heart to make me realise that my desire to let my friends know about my appreciation towards them was very much tainted with another desire that was more sinister. I need to have a control over this relationship I enjoyed in recent few days. I wanted to make sure it continued and I felt fearful at the thought of not being able to have such wonderful fellowship again in the future. I felt as though I needed to do something to make the relationship more concrete. I felt I needed to take control of this precious relationship that I enjoyed so I could have such a great fellowship again in the future.
But why? Why did I come to feel this way? How did I come to decide that I needed to take control of this relationship?
Did I earn this wonderful friends first place?
Was there anything that I did to make these friends come into existence? Did I cause this friendship? Did I create the wonderful, joyful, fun, and encouraging time myself?
No, no, no, and no.
I was only given a joy ride and before I knew it, I was riding in it. Not as a driver, but as a passenger. I'd rather be a passenger when I'm on a joy ride, not a driver. The driver's working while passengers are having fun.
So why try to take control of it now? Why feel the need to take the control of it now?
Answer: I do not trust that God would grant me such wonderful time in the future, unless I do something about it to secure it now.
I do not trust that God is full of grace and goodness that all these things that I enjoy are simply result of His overflowing kindness towards me.
I enjoyed these recent days, but why? I must've earned it by my effort. I did it! I somehow, by some kind of good deeds that I had done, I deserved their friendship and joyful time we had!
How wrong I was. And how good that I WAS wrong! All is gift, and all praise and glory is to Him who gives abundantly!
Oh, Lord, I believe that You are kind towards me because You are full of grace. Help my unbelief, and take control of my life.
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