Life, sickness, and death

Today we celebrated my daughter Noelle’s 3rd birthday. She’s a lovely little girl, full of sweet and amusing character, even if she seems quiet at times. But when she was born, there were a few complications, one of them being particularly serious, potentially life-threatening. The doctor took me to a side room to explain her condition, and I did not know what he was saying, but I understood perfectly well that whatever her condition was, it was quite serious. Long story short, after a few weeks in NICU, Noelle came home with a very positive outlook. We are thankful to God and all those who prayed for us.

During those times of uncertainty and fear, I knew God was in control. Whether He takes her life or not, whether He brings a life-long disability on her or not, God would do what is right. I knew He was never malicious. He was trustworthy, and He was all-powerful. But the Bible never specifies how long a man’s life would be (or a girl’s, in this case). So I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect, and there were moments when I was more afraid than I wished to be.

But there was something I didn’t doubt. Actually there were several things I could say that I didn’t doubt. But one thing I want to say here is that I never doubted that the doctors and nurses would do anything intentionally to harm our little girl. They may be a little incompetent (some did seem incompetent to my untrained eyes), or careless (we are all human after all and make mistakes). But I never doubted that they would do everything they could to make our girl better. I fully assumed and trusted that their sole intention for my little girl was that she would survive by whatever medical actions they took. Some tests, like Lumbar Puncture, looked scarier and more dangerous than others, and the medical staff sometimes looked tired or uncaring (at least from the point of view of this hyper-sensitised dad with his daughter in NICU, his wife in a post-labour recovery room, and a toddler to take care of!). But it never crossed my mind that they would ever intend to do something to harm or even kill her. I don’t think I was wrong to assume that and trust the medical staff. And thankfully, all their hard work was not in vain. As I mentioned, our little Noelle got better, and she is now a sweet 3 year-old girl.

And then this podcast. I listened to it just now.
Here are some keywords. Bio ethics. Medical ethics. Euthanasia. “Right” to die. Hippocratic Oath. Assisted suicide. Organ harvest. Death culture.

Whether you are familiar with these terms or not, I strongly recommend you listen to the podcast. I felt sick in the stomach, disgusted at the state of the culture we are in and where the so-called ethicists are trying to take us. I cannot do justice to the content by summarising it. But here’s the thing. If the majority of bio-ethicists would continue to have their way, what I described above about my daughter would have looked very different. I would not only be worried about my baby daughter’s well-being, but I would be forced to weigh her life’s worth and her chance of survival and calculate it against some number, probably in monetary value. It would be naïve to assume the intention of the medical staff, because they would have done their own calculations, and they may as well make a very different conclusion from my own about the worth of my daughter. What’s more, if my daughter or any of my children ever become disabled or have a mental disorder, I will no longer be able to trust the medical staff, not because they lack knowledge or skills, but because they may have a different intention towards my disabled child. And it’s not just the medical staff, of course. It’s the whole society, people you meet on the streets, people you share your struggles with, people to whom you tell about your daughter’s sickness. If the majority of bio-ethicists would have their way for few more decades, I don’t think it’s a far stretch to imagine a situation where you share with someone about your depressed teenage daughter, whom you love and care for and are worried about, and get a response, 'Have you thought about taking her to an assisted-suicide clinic?’ Too far? Too disgusting? I’m glad you feel that way. I do, too. But know that not everyone feels this way. If you doubt this, again, listen to the podcast. And I invite you to pray to God to act in mercy, to give us wisdom and courage to do something about this.

Certainty of Death

When I believed cancer was a death sentence I was wrong ­— not because I’m not going to die, but because in fact I’d always lived under the shadow of death. The one thing we know for sure is that we’re going to die.
  – p33, Hope Beyond Cure by David McDonald

A path that Jesus once took

Jumpy dots and numbers in red,

Shallow breaths and tubes with med.

Are we destined to this?

Unconscious, so far as we can tell.
Not in too much pain, doctors compel.

How sure are you?

It is only natural, someone had told me.
Maybe it was from that stupid movie.

Am I supposed to believe it?

Too scared even to touch his sleeve
Lest my hand be his last heave.

Go on, tell me I'm being irrational!

Then,
Slowing the pace.
And no more.

What am I supposed to think?

He's gone, God took Him.
He's with Jesus, all the better.

What am I supposed to feel?

Rage. Disgust.
Full. Empty.

What am I supposed to do?

Wait.
Yes, wait for the Day.
Wait.


  -- For my father-in-law  (1948 - 2015) --

My grandmother and her gracious God

Just a couple of days ago, my grandmother passed away. She lived to a ripe old age, but her life was not without significant amount of suffering.

When she was pregnant with my mum and her twin sister, communists took her husband away, and she never saw him again. She became a refugee during the Korean War and travelled, on foot and by train, with her five children, from the North to Busan, the southern-most city of South-Korea’s mainland. She meticulously hid all her money while she travelled to keep it safe from thieves, only to lose it all to a con man.

Busan was over-crowded with refugees and she could not find any accommodation. After taking shelter under a bridge for few nights, with nothing to eat, she pondered whether to simply kill all her children and commit a suicide herself. Eventually, someone told her to go and ask for a shelter at a church. The church was already filled with refugees beyond its capacity, but the gate-keeper took pity on her and her tiny new-born twins, and took them inside.

She made living by buying some clothes from the US military, dyeing them to make them look different, then selling them at a civilian market. It wasn’t entirely legal, but the times were hard for everyone and she got by for a while.

Eventually, and quite extraordinarily, all of her 5 children survived, grew up and received good education. My grandmother herself was never taught how to read and write, but she learned to do so, partly because she had to for business, but also because she wanted to read her bible. Her hand-writing always looked like that of a second grade kid, but she read her bible with ease and clarity.

Her children all got married, and in time, she was blessed with 8 grandchildren and 9 great-grandchildren. She was never able to visit her homeland, somewhere in the mid-western part of North-Korea.

She was reasonably healthy for her age, especially when you consider the kind of abuse her body had to endure when she was younger. However, in recent years, with the onset of dementia, she deteriorated rapidly in terms of health as well as mental capacity. The near-loss of her moral judgment was particularly saddening, but her bible, and I believe, her Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ was never too far from her.

On the 16^th of July, 2014, my grandmother was finally released from her suffering. By the grace of God, my grandmother was saved from her sins and this decaying world, and she will resurrect one day in new heaven and earth, with the new glorious body, forever to praise God’s mercy. By the grace and wisdom of God, I came to exist through her family, and was taught the glorious gospel from my youth, and look forward to standing along side my grandmother and joining in everlasting songs of praise to our gracious God who is mighty to save.

"[God] will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." (Revelation 21:4 ESV)

In 2012, with her then youngest great-grandchild, John.

The Most Pleasant Life

When he was on his deathbed, Matthew Henry said to a friend, "You have been asked to take notice of the sayings of dying men - this is mine: that a life spent in the service of God and communion with Him is the most pleasant life that anyone can live in this world."
 -- Location 131, from 10 People Every Christian Should Know by Warren Wiersbe

Escaping the fine when caught without a ticket

There was a ticket checking on the train.
A lady behind me was caught for not having her student card on her, but was let off. The policeman who was checking the tickets was kind. He explained to her the rule about carrying the student card when traveling on a student fare, even though she probably knew that anyway, and he said he would let her off this time. He was not speaking in a manner that was disrespectful or condescending. He was serious but not overbearing. I was slightly impressed with his dealings and quite pleased with the outcome.

And then I thought, "hey, this is a good illustration of grace. She was caught for breaking the law, but was forgiven and was let off from bearing the consequences of her crime." But soon I realised it wasn't. This wasn't a good illustration of God's grace. Several reasons could be laid out, but I list just two.

Firstly, the breaking of the law was not committed against the policeman. He was only an enforcer, not the offended. This is a huge difference. God is not simply a law-enforcer. He is the "victim" of every sin we commit. All sin is primarily against God. Hence, the grace of God we receive as sinners is forgiveness, not just "being let off." Only the offended can forgive, an enforcer can only let off.

Another big difference is "how" the offender was spared of the punishment. The policeman let her off at no cost to himself. It cost him practically nothing to let her off. I am no law expert, but I'm pretty sure that, as a policeman, it was his prerogative to issue a warning instead of a fine. So he was not risking anything. When God forgave us, it cost Him. It's hard to imagine how anything could cost God, the Almighty being. But the bible tells us clearly how costly God's forgiveness was. It cost Jesus. His suffering and death. It may remain as mystery how God could suffer, but the fact that He did suffer is no mystery. Our God did not dispense His forgiveness in a cool, distant way. He clothed Himself in human flesh and hung on the cross. If the policeman's action were to be any closer to the real meaning of God's grace, he would have had to issue the fine and then pay it for her himself. It still doesn't come much closer (of course not!), but it would be closer than just letting one off the hook.

If a policeman caught you for not having a train ticket, or speeding on the road, and he let you go with just a warning, you'd be quite happy. I'd be very happy and even feel somewhat thankful towards that policeman. Now, then, hear this. Because of our sins, our rejection and rebellion against God, we are headed for judgment. But God has given us His Son, Jesus, so whoever trusts Him for safety and forgiveness would be spared of His judgment. That's what makes my heart sing. This is why I can look forward to the future. How about you?

These short, precious, eternity-charged years

[Jeremiah] feared getting what he wanted and missing what God wanted. It is still the only thing worthy of our fear.
What a waste it would be to take these short, precious, eternity-charged years that we are given and squander them in cocktail chatter when we can be, like Jeremiah, vehemently human and passionate with God.
  - p. 263, from Life At Its Best by Eugene Peterson (also in the 7th chapter of the book, Run with the Horses: The Quest for Life At Its Best)

Photo credit: Stuck in Customs / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA

Resolutions 2013

Ok, it’s that time of the year again to make resolutions. It was the extra motivation from my wife, even though I didn’t follow her method, that I have the following for the year.

1) Pray more

After being Christian whole of my life, I still find prayer one of the most challenging thing. I’ve tried to use a prayer list where I keep people’s names and various prayer points, but I haven’t been persistent in it. I’ll review and update my prayer list once a week as a reminder to myself how much I need to pray. And hopefully, I’ll actually pray more often, more consistently, and more persistently as a result.

2) Take the bible more seriously

I do believe the bible is the true word of God that is final and sufficient. While I try to read through the bible with my wife each day, I often find my mind disengaged. It’s quite terrifying that I’m just going through the motions of reading the bible at times. I’d like to give more effort into understanding and applying the text. I’ve chosen 4 books of the bible to focus on this year. Genesis, Micah, Mark, Ephesians. I’ll consult commentaries if I have to, but I’d like to know these books better this year.

3) Read more

Last year, I chose 24 books to read. I think I read about 16 out of the 24 plus a few others that weren't part of my list. I again selected 24 books. I can see myself failing to read all of them by the end of this year already, but it’s a goal I will work towards. I hope to at least read more than last year.

4) Write more

I wrote 33 blog posts. I also do a little bit of other short writings too. I hope to be able to write at least 1 blog posts a week on average. This is to train myself in thinking and expressing my thoughts, so even if they are short or not great, I expect to benefit from them myself. Hopefully they won’t be all trash for others either.

5) Exercise

Notice the lack of the word, more, in this last resolution. It’s because I virtually never exercised last year. No “more” to speak of. I am increasingly aware that keeping fit and healthy is a loving thing to do for my family. Exercise won’t guarantee it, but I’ll try to do my part by going for a run once a week.

Here I am, God, put me to a good use this year and prepare me for your future use of me.

To my caring wife, from the sick husband

Haiku is fun. Sijo (시조) is as much fun though.

This one is dedicated to my wife who took such good care of me for the past three weeks while I was sick with a terrible cold.

아침 점심 저녁밥 간식까지 준비하고
기저귀에 목욕에 빨래 청소 다 했더니
남편은 아프다며 잠만자려 하누나

Thanks, wifey!

Reflections from the land where Facebook is blocked

I recently visited China for the first time in my life. (I say China here in this post, but really, I only a tiny part of it, a small-by-Chinese-standard, peripheral city in China called Qingdao. If you heard of it, you might have heard it only because of the famous beer from that place, Tsingtao beer. It'd do an injustice to the large and culturally diverse country as China to do so, but for the sake of readability, I'll simply refer to the place I visited as China. I hope most of things I noticed apply not only to Qingdao, but China in general.) It was good to catch up with Sulah's parents who live there, and they enjoyed seeing us, especially the little John.
Aside from that, seeing the country and people of China opened up my mind a little as well.
Here I list some of the things I learned through this trip.

1) Pray for the safety and health of your family.
You might have packed some medicine and perhaps even purchased a travel insurance. That's all good and fine, but it's important to ask the One who is sovereign over all things. Making sure you have basic access to medicine and choosing safer way to travel is not necessarily a sign of your lack of trust in God, but not praying is. I guess I learned this because Sulah and I kept on getting sick on and off throughout the trip.

2) A boring plane trip is a good plane trip.
I used to secretly wish for some excitement when I went on a plane trip. Not the super-excitement that ends in tragedy, like a real terrorist attack or a serious accident, I don't want that to happen to anyone, anytime. But just a little turbulence that will rattle the plane to let me know that I'm flying, or a rough landing to let me know that the pilot's not god, etc. But, no. Now that I've got a little child travelling with me, I realise the quietest, smoothest, eventless, yes, boring flight is the best flight. The flight where my child won't be scared or awaken is the most enjoyable flight, not those little excitement I wished in luxury of single life.

3) Chinese people are confident.
Their confidence may be tainted with pride, but I found it both fascinating and attractive. They might be poor and doing a hard labour, but they don't suffer from inferiority complex. I think they know what they do is not what they are. Their confidence isn't grounded in Christ, maybe it's their rich cultural and historical heritage, but I was just envious of the fact that they could be so confident in who they are. I am a Christian, and why do I still feel so insecure and lack confidence? How deeply do I really know who I am in Christ?

4) I need to repent of cultural prejudice.
I realised that my prejudice against people from a different culture was worse than I thought. For example, I used to think that many behaviours by a Chinese was rude or wrong even if it was acceptable in Chinese culture. But I realised that a lot of it had more to do with my prejudice. I still believe that some accepted behaviours in Chinese culture are wrong, as I always believed that some accepted behaviours in Australian culture are wrong as well. However, I now understand that it was my narrow-mindedness and cultural arrogance that shaped my attitude towards different cultures more than their culturally acceptable behaviours.

5) There are many things to do other than Facebook.
I was surprised to find that Facebook was blocked in China. Twitter was blocked too. I think Chinese government sees these social networking services to be a threat to the stability of the country. I think it helps people to be more productive too. Using Facebook attracts more criticism for wasting of time, I suppose, than Twitter. I think Twitter is used more for sharing and spreading ideas than Facebook, and used less for entertainment. But after the initial adjustments, that is, not habitually logging on to Facebook or Twitter, I didn't miss either very much. I once or twice wanted log on to Facebook to see what my friends were up to, but then, I knew I would be able to catch up with them when I get back home. In fact, seeing their updates on Facebook every so often, I now realise, kind of dilutes the joy of seeing a friend after some time had passed. Twitter, likewise, didn't really improve my life all that much. It did break some of the world news or interesting ideas to me a few times, but it didn't come without a price. By consuming streams of tweets whenever I had to wait for something I forgot how to wait and grew impatient. I guess I can't blame Twitter for making me impatient. But it was one of the quick and easy distractions. Having said all that, would I now stop using Facebook or Twitter? No. But I hope to use it more wisely. I still think Facebook and Twitter can be used well.

6) China blocks blogger.com as well.
This was actually more disappointing and I missed it more than Facebook or Twitter. I should be more thankful for the openness we enjoy in Australia.

7) Chinese roads are much more chaotic than Australian roads but there was no road rage.
There were quite a lot of cars on the road. It was pretty much comparable to an average Sydney road. It looked very chaotic to my eyes, but even I could sense that they were being more mindful of other cars and people than Sydney road users. Perhaps they became more accustomed to cars coming in and out in front of you, but I didn't see anyone getting angry over the way other people drove. I would hear honking time to time, but it wasn't at each other like showing their aggression towards other drivers, but rather just a warning of a danger. It felt kind of comically friendly the way everyone drove, all sharing the road together. It also seemed that these Chinese people were above the little annoyance traffic could cause. I think we, Sydney-siders could learn from them.

8) Durian is very tasty but its smell is still hard to bear.

9) I found myself interested in the Chinese history, culture, and landscape. I wish to learn more about them.

There. Just a few things that came to my mind reflecting on the trip.

Maybe I'll write up some thoughts from my stay in Korea too... Just maybe.

A train station with no lift

First, let me describe a scene from a Korean fantasy novel I read years ago. It comes from Dragon Raja (드래곤 라자) by Youngdo Lee. In the world this author created, there is a powerful wizard, a kind of equivalent of Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings. I've forgotten the name of the wizard, but the most memorable feat this wizard had done was not some kind of powerful battle magic or a insidious mind-controlling socery, but rather a piece of social engineering. What he had done was creating a special kind of bridge to cross a great chasm in the middle of a well-known travel route. Rather than building a conventional bridge, he had created a floating platform to move back and forth between two landing spots. If this was all he had done, it would have been just another clever trick any fame-hungry wizard could have done. What I was impressed with was the fact that this floating platform was crafted so that it only activates when there are at least 7 (I think it was 7, but the exact number is not important) travellers gathered at one of the landing spots. The hope and purpose for this, as the story tells, was that the wizard wanted the various travellers would rather learn to co-operate with each other even if it meant Orcs and Elves had to stand by together to use the floating platform. His hope was to build a society where former enemies would be accepting of each other and learn to live peacefully together.

Why this story? I was reminded of this recently when I was coming home from work. I've been thinking quite a lot about the state and meaning of community, especially in my local area. One of the things that I have been thinking ever since I moved into this area over a year ago is the fact that the Wentworthville train station does not have lifts. I saw the need for a lift immediately. Many mums travelled with their children in prams. Even though they often travelled with their friends and families to help carry their prams, I thought it would be much easier for them to use a lift. Of course it is easier. It is convenient. Occasionally, perhaps more often than I could ignore, they even had to rely on strangers helping them. I was the stranger a few times myself. If anyone asked me what we need in our local community, I had little doubt that a lift installation at Wentworthville station was a high priority.

But when I helped another mum carry her child in a pram last week, I suddenly remembered that aforementioned story. Perhaps this lack of lift isn't as bad for the community as I used to think. Just like that magical floating platform made Orcs and Elves to work together and tolerate each other, perhaps this lack of lift at our station is helping us to look out for each other. Certainly it is not convenient, both for mums and, well, strangers like myself who help them. But, when was the last time convenience helped strengthen communities? Wasn't it often the case when a great crisis and challenges, like natural disasters or war came upon a society that people worked together and community strengthened? Perhaps this inconvenience of not having a lift at the station is in fact contributing positively towards the sense of belonging in this community, however small it may be.

There's probably a safety hazard in carrying prams up and down the stairs. And there are people with less mobility who really need lifts to access the station. It probably is better to have lifts installed at our station after all. But if it is better to have lifts, it would certainly be not on the grounds that it's simply more convenient.

(Image of Wentworthville station is from Wikipedia)

(While searching for images to use on this post, I came across this article saying petition is underway! Talk about timing! So, we might actually get lifts installed after all.)

The Australia Day

My Australia Days in the past several years usually consisted of sleeping in, and then going to the Strathfield Park to cheer for volleyball teams from my church in the annual Korean Volleyball competition, then spending the rest of the evening with close friends, usually stuffing myself with a large amount of Korean food. In short, I stayed well within my comfort zone as a Korean immigrant, not involving myself with much of what was going on in the wider Australian community.

This year, I spent the Australia Day a bit differently. I didn’t go watch my friends play volleyball among other Koreans. My wife and I went to attend the Australia Day Convention held at the St. Andrew’s Cathedral. It was a Christian event, so it could be argued that I still stayed within my comfort zone. I don’t deny it. But the biggest difference was the fact that I traveled to the city on a train, and during the train trips and while I was in the city, I got to witness the various ways people celebrated the Australia Day.

There were people who were obviously headed to beaches. It was a hot day. These young and lively looking people were in groups, carrying very little other than a small bag and a towel. There were others who were with family. Some were with their prams and little kids with them. I don’t know if I will ever try to get to city with my kids by train. It looked very hard.

There were some people who carried with themselves the blue Australian flag. To my surprise, some of those people who carried the flags weren’t typical Australians with blond hair and fair skin. Some might already feel offended by my phrasing of “typical Australian with blond hair and fair skin” because it sounds so anti-multicultural and even sound remotely racist. I know there are thousands of non-Anglo looking Australians. I know there are Aborigines. Many of my friends who are Asian descend identify themselves as Australians, and I’m fine with that. But whenever I travel outside Sydney, most people I meet are white. Central Coast, South Coast, Blue Mountains, Canberra, Brisbane, Tasmania, Cairns, Parkes, Orange. These are some places that I have visited to spend at least a day or two and I saw mostly Anglo-saxon people, so I think the “typical Australian” is not a bad term to use to describe the people group. But I digress.

There were Indian looking family who held Australian flags. I saw an Asian looking family with flags. I think there were some inter-racial families with flags too. All these were pretty cool. The struggle to reconstruct the culture after the “White Australian” policy perhaps is finally yielding some fruit.

However, there were some sights that made me to ponder on the national identity of Australia. That sounds a bit over the top, since I didn’t think that long and hard, nor do I consider myself to be knowledgeable enough to make a profound statement about a big topic like this. But I couldn’t resist this thought, this concern for the future of Australia.

Even though I was impressed by the number of the “non-typical Australians” who carried the Australian flags, what stood out the most for me was the rough-behaving young “Aussies.” These people looked so healthy physically, and they were obviously proud of it since they were wearing so little. Some guys were topless, displaying his large but lean muscles and various tattoos around his arms and back. They spoke loudly among themselves, and moved with a dominant presence. There was a hint of drunkenness. Many people were quietly watching them and some people changed their direction to stay out of their way. These people were either oblivious to the fact that many people were finding them intimidating or, even worse, enjoying it.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s okay for anybody to drink a little bit and have some fun with friends. You could get a bit loud perhaps because you are “tipsy” or maybe a little bit drunk. But why especially on this day?

What I found most troubling about these people were the fact that I hardly witness that kind of behaviour on any other days. Why is it that on the Australia Day, on the day designated to reflect on the national identity and celebrate it, I get to see so much of anti-social behaviour? This Australia Day where all Australians are reminded of their national identity, why are you guys out about in this manner? The Australia Day is the day when some people are awarded for their excellent contribution to the country as a community because the leaders of the nation believe that these people have made it better for the people of the land and want to recognise it, and want to encourage it. Australia Day is for Australians. But why are there so many people, especially young people (some of them were even carrying the blue flags or wrapped in them), who only seem to care for the immediate “fun” and “pleasure” only for themselves? Is it the best way you could celebrate the Australia Day? They seem so proud of the nation Australia, but I hope they could give a good reason for it.

All these were a very good opportunity for me to reflect on the identity and future of Australia. It was good because it made me think about where I stand and what kind of community I am living in. It was timely too, since within a couple of weeks time, I will officially pledge my loyalty to this nation and become an Australian citizen. I will probably remain Korean in many ways, but my national identity will be Australian. And before I am Korean and before I am Australian, I am Christian, which means my ultimate and true citizenship is in heaven. But while I journey along in this life, I will be shaped by and shaping the Australian community. I still don’t know how to describe definitely what Australian values are. I just know some phrases which are thrown about so often in different ways. Hopefully, in coming years as I grow older and grow my family, God willing, I will get to understand more about Australian values and culture, but also contribute to it in positive and productive ways.

Written: 5-Feb-2011

Edited: 2-Jun-2014

Resolutions of Jonathan Edwards: #59

59. Resolved, when I am most conscious of provocations to ill nature and anger, that I will strive most to feel and act good-naturedly; yea, at such times, to manifest good nature, though I think that in other respects it would be disadvantageous, and so as would be imprudent at other times. May 12, July ii, and July 13.

I used to think that I was good with little children. Over the years, through serving at various ministries at church, and also through engaging with relatives and friends with children, I've learned that I am always more impatient and less gracious than I supposed.
I do think, that this resolution of JE would be of some benefit for me too.
Oooh... it's hard... Hopefully I will develop more spiritual muscles in regards to being gracious towards those who provoke my ill nature and anger before I have my own children (God willing).

She calls me "husband."

She calls me "husband". Well, not really. She most often calls me by my name or "jagiya" which in Korean translates roughly to "dear", "honey", or "darling". But she knows I am her husband, and once we get used to it, the word, "husband" will easily flow out of her mouth when she refers to me, just maybe not when she calls me.

It was the 17th of April 2010, when God joined us together. In His infinite wisdom, He saw that it would be good to bring these two sinners together to represent the relationship between the Christ and His church as His bride. So I expect unceasing grace to overflow from Him to us, otherwise, we will surely and quickly fail to show Jesus through and within our marriage. So I am thankful. I thank God. And I thank my wife, who has been showing God's love and care towards me ever since we started dating.

It is a new chapter in my life, and it is exciting.

Soli Deo Gloria.

My God is calling me to a life-long adventure.

I see this adventure ahead of me. It is a long journey interlaced with both pain and joy, often in that order. I can see that the path will bring confusion at times, and will bring grief certainly. But I then see that the path is also narrow and straight, and I hear my Lord's clear voice. He will lead me, He will guard me. He will provide, He will change me. He will keep me and love me, and He will get all glory from and through me.

I don't know what my Lord is going to do to me, but I know He will do it because He loves me. I only ask Him to take charge of me and claim me as His. I love to, I yearn to see His immense power and grace propelling me to Himself that my unworthy mouth be silenced and that I may simply bow down before Him and worship.

O may the glorious King rule forever and ever!

Do I, today, desire God?

Do I, today, desire God?
If so, do I desire Him more than I did yesterday?
Do I long for the risen Lord, my Redeemer, my sovereign King today more than ever?

O, stir my heart, Lord, and align my will.

Last year's resolutions

Last year around this time, I posted a new year's resolutions for 2009.
A few days ago, when there were only a couple of days left of the year, I tried to remember what my resolutions were, and I could only remember one of them. It was to pray every day intentionally even if it meant a 5-minute short one just before I went to bed.
At least I remembered one. But then, I thought I had 5 resolutions, while I in fact had 6. And to my shame, I could not remember the most important two resolutions, #1 and #2 of them.

Now I look back on last year's, I failed on all of them except getting a driver's license. Although it was never intended that I would fulfil them to gain favour from God or prove myself before Him, the fact that I could not keep my own words once again reminds me to look to Jesus whose grace is sufficient to cover all my short-comings. Which takes me back to the #1 resolution of last year, "Believe always that Christ's atoning sacrifice covers ALL my sins FOREVER." May the glory and praise to Him forever more!

What of this year's resolutions?

I think #1 and #2 from last year's stand this year just the same.

1) Believe always that Christ's atoning sacrifice covers ALL my sins FOREVER.
2) Believe always that I am and will be given sufficient grace to make godly choices and live sacrificially.

Other than that, I will refrain from mentioning more here, lest I become a greater liar by the end of the year.

Oh, and happy new year, and may God's grace be to you this new year more and more.

rest on the death of Christ

What a year it has been.

Come what may next year, for I have a Redeemer who has been and will be holding me securely for ever.

"The true looking of faith, I say, is placing Christ before one's eyes and beholding in Him the heart of God poured out in love. Our firm and substantial support is to rest on the death of Christ as its only pledge." - John Calvin

(HT: Of first importance)

every word I say...

to follow through with every word I say, help me God. and be gracious to me.

[edit: fixed Engrish error. thanks John.]

30 years

I wrote 29 years last year today.
Today is my 30th birthday.

As I was reflecting on my past, I was again reminded of how gracious God has been all my life. I just cannot believe how merciful He is.

Why does this perfectly good God love me, a wicked sinner?
Why is He so patient with me, an ignorant rebel?
Why did God pay such a high cost for such a lowly being like me?

O, what shall I render to the LORD for all His benefits to me?