I acknowledge that a lot of what is inside me are evil, shameful, and ugly. I also can say that, by the grace of God, there are some good things in me too, at least some degree of it, or a desire for goodness. But for all that in me, it is incredibly painful to contain all inside me, both good and bad, and to not expose all that.
Exposing, or expressing them isn't the end goal I am longing for, but in so doing, I am really hoping for getting rid of all the bad, evil, shameful, ungodly, rubbish heap from me. To live with such hypocrisy in me, and not being able to be transparent and vulnerable about my whole self in front of my Christian family, makes me grieve deeply and it is extremely painful.
With the good things that God has put in me and watered in me, although they are so little and by the size and degree, they themselves show how much of a shameful man I am, I want to show them to my Master, perhaps like a child showing his dad a poor drawing yet to the father's delight, or like that servant who gave back two talents on top of the original two talents to the returned Master (Matt 25:14-30), and to hear these words from my King's mouth: "Well done, good and faithful servant!" O, how I yearn for His approval, yet, it is so difficult to be faithful to Him who shows no partiality, for I am a weak and selfish sinner.
Oh, how I long for the day of the King's Return, when everything will be exposed and laid bare, all the good and evil deeds will be shown as what they are. I tremble at the thought of the Day of Judgement, for I know I fall so much short of His glory, yet, I yearn greatly for His Day so I may be found in Him and will be made like Him with no iniquities, and will toil in vain no more.
But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with a roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved, and the earth and the works that are done on it will be exposed. - 2 Peter 3:10
Oh, come Lord, Jesus, come!