Love your enemies

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Romans 12:19-20

Stephen stoned to death (image source: 

JEEVAGARAJAN)

And as they were stoning Stephen, he called out, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” And falling to his knees he cried out with a loud voice,“Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” And when he had said this, he fell asleep. Acts 7:59-60

“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” Matthew 5:44

For years, whenever I was tempted to take revenge against someone for an unfair treatment, I had to remind myself that God will judge rightly in the end. The fact that God will judge everyone according to their deeds was a source of great comfort for me. (Not that I was ever seriously persecuted for my faith...) Either you are covered by the blood of Jesus, or you will face God’s wrath yourself. So I was able to leave vengeance to God, knowing He will most perfectly judge. But, while this prevented me from perhaps hating or harming someone, I wonder if this is in fact a Christian response in its fullness. Has not Jesus told us to love our enemies and pray for our persecutors? Ware not the last dying words of Stephen an intercessory prayer for the mob who were throwing rocks at him?

It seems I have been focusing too narrowly on the part in Romans 12:20 that says, “heap burning coals on his head.” May God grant me grace that I may love my enemies, feed them when they are hungry, give them drinks when they are thirsty, offer up intercessory prayers for them, and forgive those who sin against me.

I am an awful teacher.

This year, for the first time in my life, I started teaching in a Special Religious Education class, commonly known as the Scripture class. It was a daunting thing to take on, but at the same time, I was eager to do it as part of my ministry training (by the way, I have begun my MTS Apprenticeship this year and the Scripture class is part of the job/training I am doing this year).

It’s something I had never done before. I didn’t even attend a Primary School in Australia. So, it’s understandable that I was so busy focusing on getting the teaching content ready and getting through it during the class. But, it dawned on me yesterday as I was preparing for the class that I hadn’t been as faithful as I should have been with the Scripture teaching. I felt that I had been doing the bare minimum to get by in the class. I was getting the teaching content ready so I won’t embarrass myself by running out of things to say, for example. I also felt that I had been lacking in prayer for my students.

After the class, on the way to my car, I met another Scripture teacher from my church. My class went reasonably well, I was thinking, despite the kids getting quite loud and distracted – we did manage to get through the material the way I hoped to do. But as I was talking to the teacher, I had to confess to her that I had realised that I hadn’t been as faithful in praying and preparing for my classes. And then she reminded me that it’s important to prepare thoroughly, but it’s perhaps more important to be there for those kids and through the relationships they will learn much about God and how wonderful He really is.

With that, I felt even more rebuked and convicted that I had been an awful teacher. I had been just so busy “doing” things in the class, I hardly paid attention to any of the students! Not only that, even I could see that some kids were becoming more disengaged because of the way I had related to them. I could give various excuses for this, being a first time teacher, in a system that I am not familiar with, with 20-odd number of kids who are very talkative, etc, etc, it’s hard to relate with them in the class in a generous, kind, patient, gracious, and helpful way. Nevertheless, these excuses do not make me a good teacher. I still have to confess that I had been an awful teacher.

I am thankful that God had brought this fact to my attention. I am glad to see it. But I am praying that God would so grow and equip me that I would be a better teacher for these young students. I am also praying that these kids under my care, albeit for only meagre half an hour once a week, would grow in their true knowledge of God and love Him who love us first for whole of their lives. Will you pray for me and for my students? 

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous and looked down on everyone else: “Two men went up to the temple complex to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee took his stand and was praying like this: ‘God, I thank You that I’m not like other people —greedy, unrighteous, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give a tenth of everything I get.’“But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even raise his eyes to heaven but kept striking his chest and saying, ‘God, turn Your wrath from me—a sinner!’ I tell you, this one went down to his house justified rather than the other; because everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”    Luke 18:9-14 (HCSB)

I knew this parable. I knew for a long time. I heard and read this passage many times. But until today, my understanding of this parable was quite off the mark. All this time, I thought the meaning of this parable was about condemning religious hypocrisy. But today, I was privileged to listen to two different sermons by two different men from my church on this same passage. And both corrected my faulty understanding and hammered in the gospel of grace into me through this passage. You see, Jesus was telling this parable to those who trusted in their own good works (v.9). Those who tried to earn a good standing with God by their own efforts. Those who were confident that they were righteous before God because they were doing so many good things. By this parable, Jesus was turning their world upside down. He was saying, and He is saying to all of us even today, that we can never be right with God by our own efforts, yet, at the same time, that God is happy to declare us righteous when we recognise our sins and appeal to Him for mercy.

How does or can God forgive a sinner when even a morally upright person like the Pharisee isn’t good enough for Him? You may or may not be clear on how this works, but if you are wondering, you should keep on listening to this man, Jesus who told the parable.

Why don’t you come join us in journeying with Jesus? (Today's talks on the passage above will be available in a couple of days, morning and evening talks.)

Edit: The talks are now available, both the morning talk and the evening talk.

Fire in my heart

If I say, “I will not mention him,
or speak any more in his name,”
there is in my heart as it were a burning fire
shut up in my bones,
and I am weary with holding it in,
and I cannot.
(Jeremiah 20:9 ESV)

I wish, I hope, like Jeremiah, I would be given such a deep and unstoppable passion for preaching of His Word. Perhaps, then, I won't be so timid.

Church Government: Reality-check

Note: This is the sixth post of the series on church governments, which began as I sought to understand the distinctives and issues of various church government systems. You can read the first five as listed below.

1. Introduction and Anglicanism
2. Presbyterianism
3. Breakthrough
4. Single-elder Congregationalism
5. Plural-elder Congregationalism

Somewhat unexpectedly, this book felt heavy on my heart today. On my train trip back home from work, I pulled it out of my bag to read it, but I just sat there with the book in my hand, feeling hesitant to read on.

Why am I reading this book? Why did I start? What am I looking to achieve? How am I going with it?
Finding out what's the best model for the church government cannot simply be a hobby. Whether the church polity is an important topic or not is a secondary question. Even if it were a very small issue, the fact that it is so is important and not to be regarded lightly. Have I been too casual about my exploration? Am I truly seeking to settle my mind on the church government issue so I can obey God's word? Or am I just trying to arm myself with more excuses and arguments to justify my disobedience? Will I, in the end, be willing to abandon my pursuit of ordained ministry within the Anglican or Presbyterian denominations (or any other), if it comes to that?

I had to pause to pray. I had to ask that God would grant me understanding and discernment in this issue so I may not be misled. I had to ask that God would make me faithful to His word in this issue as well as any other. I could sense my sin-ridden heart trying to use this newly gained knowledge only to serve my comfortable life-style. I had to ask God to keep my heart in check so I may not pour contempt on His word and the cross of Jesus. May God lead me on and make me obedient to Him.

Resolutions 2013

Ok, it’s that time of the year again to make resolutions. It was the extra motivation from my wife, even though I didn’t follow her method, that I have the following for the year.

1) Pray more

After being Christian whole of my life, I still find prayer one of the most challenging thing. I’ve tried to use a prayer list where I keep people’s names and various prayer points, but I haven’t been persistent in it. I’ll review and update my prayer list once a week as a reminder to myself how much I need to pray. And hopefully, I’ll actually pray more often, more consistently, and more persistently as a result.

2) Take the bible more seriously

I do believe the bible is the true word of God that is final and sufficient. While I try to read through the bible with my wife each day, I often find my mind disengaged. It’s quite terrifying that I’m just going through the motions of reading the bible at times. I’d like to give more effort into understanding and applying the text. I’ve chosen 4 books of the bible to focus on this year. Genesis, Micah, Mark, Ephesians. I’ll consult commentaries if I have to, but I’d like to know these books better this year.

3) Read more

Last year, I chose 24 books to read. I think I read about 16 out of the 24 plus a few others that weren't part of my list. I again selected 24 books. I can see myself failing to read all of them by the end of this year already, but it’s a goal I will work towards. I hope to at least read more than last year.

4) Write more

I wrote 33 blog posts. I also do a little bit of other short writings too. I hope to be able to write at least 1 blog posts a week on average. This is to train myself in thinking and expressing my thoughts, so even if they are short or not great, I expect to benefit from them myself. Hopefully they won’t be all trash for others either.

5) Exercise

Notice the lack of the word, more, in this last resolution. It’s because I virtually never exercised last year. No “more” to speak of. I am increasingly aware that keeping fit and healthy is a loving thing to do for my family. Exercise won’t guarantee it, but I’ll try to do my part by going for a run once a week.

Here I am, God, put me to a good use this year and prepare me for your future use of me.

Cliche'd prayer?

Pose, pretense, and posturing are primary dangers that threaten prayer. Ignorance is no impediment, and most emphatically not sin. The great temptation always crouching at the door of prayer is to use prayer as a way to avoid God: using God language to avoid God relationship; using the name of God as a screen behind which to hide from God. Clichés are the usual verbal giveaways of prayer that is, in fact, nonprayer.

 --p.278 from Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places by Eugene Peterson

Prayer has to be one of the most paradoxical aspect for a Christian living. It should be the most basic and natural activity for a Christian. It's just talking to the Father who loves you dearly, and you can talk to Him about anything really. No need to craft your words and phrases. And yet, the words and phrases are vitally important, because otherwise you wouldn't actually be talking. You might be speaking or chanting, but you won't be talking. And when you are talking to someone as majestic as God, someone you love so much (at least you confess to do so), you cannot help but choose your words carefully. You engage your mind and heart as you speak — anyway, are we ever excused from doing that anyway no matter whom you are talking to? It seems to me that genuinely engaging with the Person you are talking to is what is difficult.

The biggest problem for me about praying remains to be not praying enough. But when I do pray, it isn't so hard for me, I can do it, except, it's awfully hard to pray genuinely.

(Image source: Ambrozjo)

Resolutions: Being fatherly on the Father's Day

Although the consumerism of our day has hijacked most of its meaning and our letterboxes and inboxes are full of junk trying to get us buy stuff "for our fathers", the Father's Day is still a helpful reminder for all of us to express our appreciation for fathers and honour them for being one. Unfortunately, for many people in our society, this Father's Day would bring back painful memories and invoke sadness or anger for their abusiveness or absence.

This got me thinking, how should I celebrate my Father's Day? As a father myself now, my first impulse was "what can I get?" Tragic. I know. But I wonder how many of my fellow Australian fathers think the same thing. A new tool, gadget, toy, or a dvd set? A new shaver, perfume, tie, shirt, shoes, or even socks? A nice meal, beers, wines, or even whiskey? How about just a lazy day when I don't have to care about vacuuming or dishwashing, kids, or my personal hygiene? Whatever it is, my point is that it is so very easy for any of us to think self-centred.

There is nothing wrong for my kid (well, when he grows up a bit more) to buy nice gifts for me, and even now, it's nice and even heart-warming when my wife cares to let me enjoy the Father's Day and shows her approval of me as a father to our child. But, as a father myself, there's something insidious about focussing my thoughts on "what I can get this Father's Day." I don't know, maybe I'm just too much of a beginner as a father and haven't learned to forget about myself and serve my family more selflessly, self-forgetfully, even on a Father's Day.

But if my suspicion on our day's culture and society is correct, many of the fathers in Australia tend to think that we deserve to be treated with gifts, ease, carelessness, and time for ourselves, at least on this Day. Perhaps it is precisely what's needed for some fathers. I doubt it to be the case for most fathers. It certainly isn't the case for me.

I don't want to be like that. I don't want to think that I somehow "deserve" gifts, extra laziness, or the whole day for myself by myself, especially on THIS DAY.

I am probably not the worst father on earth, but I know I am not the best father I want to be, and I am beginning to understand the kind of fatherhood my heavenly Father has called me to is far greater, weightier, and higher than I knew before. I don't want to give wrong impressions that the fathers need to be a kind of superman who can and does all things right. I don't believe that's a biblical picture of a good father, unless you are the Heavenly Father. I just want to be a father who models after the Heavenly Father. And even though I myself will stumble and fall, my hope is that my stumbling and falling as well as my victories will, without ambiguity, show my child the grace of Jesus.

That's why I am making these resolutions.
I will not use the Father's Day as my excuse to be a worse father for 24 hours.
I will not make it my ambition to be a couch potato on the Father's Day.
I will not imagine that I somehow "deserve" gifts from my family members on a Father's Day.
Instead, on the Father's Day, I will meditate on God's relationship with me and His character as my Heavenly Father.
And I will do one thing that will help improve my character and self-control.
And I will think how I can serve my family better as a father.
And I will do one thing that will strengthen relationships within my family.

In short, by God's grace, I will be the best father I can be especially on the Father's Day.


(Photo credit: Hammonton Photography)

Irony of marriage issues

Marriage has been in the media a lot lately.
Here are some articles related to marriage from SMH: (Not in a particular order)

Men, women, and leadership

Marriage and law of Australia

Why new marriage vows

People taking new marriage vows

More on marriage vows


Not only the same-sex marriage is in the news (and regrettably in the Parliament as well), but most recently, the new (optional) marriage vows from Sydney Anglican church have stirred some people's emotions. It was to do with the bride's vow, which included the "S"-word: Submit. To love and submit to her husband.

The issue of male leadership often brings deep emotions and I tend to think it is a good thing. At least it shows that there's something that we aren't apathetic about in this relativistic, post-modern society. But, if what I've seen and read are anything to go by, the people in our society is angry and hateful of biblical teaching about the male leadership. The article by the Archbishop Peter Jensen attracted nearly 1000 comments in just a day, mostly unhelpful, but loudly evidencing the misunderstandings and anger of many readers.

I won't go into explaining all this myself here. I don't think I can do better than Peter Jensen anyway. But I just wanted to note that all these uproar against the biblical teachings on wife's submission and husband's leadership is quite ironic in our society. They all seem to view this husband's leadership and wife's submission as an attack against women's value and dignity, and hence an evil we need to get rid of from our society. But do we, as a society, really value and respect women? The biblical notion of male leadership is never oppressive to women nor is it degrading for women to submit to the male leadership. But how is it so much of an issue in OUR society? How are women treated in OUR society today? On a surface level, women in our society are well dignified; they have the same voting rights as men, no education is kept from women, they are not barred from work or fair pay (some still argue they are, but it is marginal and our law provides way to continue improve it where appropriate), etc. But just below the surface, our society is engaged in activities that terribly degrade women. Pornography, prostitution, overtly revealing images of female models on magazines and ads. Sexualised objectification of women is rampant in our society. Just a few months ago, promotional games for Lingerie Football League was a big success, I heard. Right near my work place, literally just outside the train station ticket gates, there's a bar where women serve in lingeries. And then there is the Fifty Shades Trilogy, which set the record as the fastest selling paperback of all time, even surpassing the Harry Potter series (according to the wikipedia).

So, why is our society up in arms about the new marriage vows? As I perceive it, our society is not against the new vows because it is so concerned about the dignity of women, nor is it trying to protect women. Our society as a whole is simply refusing God's authority over His creation, us. At the core of all the recent marriage issues is the society's refusal to recognise God's goodness in the way He created us, men and women, and rejection of His loving rule over us. Even still, the most ironic and tragic of all is that this confusion and refusal of God's design for marriage has crept into many churches in Australia.

It's not a new thing that the world rejected and hated God. That's precisely the reason why Jesus came and died on the cross, in order to create a people who will love and submit to God. We, Christians are the ones who confess that God has rescued us through Jesus' sacrifice, and now as a result, we respond by loving and submitting to God. But this marriage issue seems to be not only a debate between the Church and the World, but also a debate within the Church, amongst Christians! It is terribly sad and most ironic scene to behold, that Christians would reject God's good design.

I must admit though that I have to keep on reminding and challenging myself too. Pornography is just a click away. Women in revealing clothes are on huge billboards and also sitting just few seats away on the train. Undignified comments about women, men, and the relationship between them are too common, and my ears itch to hear the jokes and my mouth eager to tell. God warned us through Paul, "Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers." (1 Timothy 4:16)
It won't do to simply assent to the biblical teaching of male leadership. It isn't enough to just agree with Peter Jensen. It must be accompanied by everyday life that acts towards women with respect, dignity, and holy love.

Mystery of marriage

This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:23 ESV)

This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:23 NIV)

The mystery [of marriage] is this: God did not create the union of Christ and the church after the pattern of human marriage - just the reverse! He created human marriage on the pattern of Christ's relation to the church.  - p213, from Desiring God by John Piper 

I love my wife, but I am not always the godly husband I am called to be. Whether I feel good about myself as a husband or not, how glorious, humbling, and encouraging this mystery is.


O, Lord, be gracious to me, and empower me to love her like Christ does the church.

P plate fine

Driving back from Canberra last Sunday.

Me: Oooh, ok, there's a police car behind me with lights on. I'm gonna have to slow down and stop.
Wife: Really?
Me: I hope I wasn't speeding, for a moment, I might have gone over the speed limit, I don't know. If I have, this might be my first time getting caught. :-(
Wife: ...
Police Officer: This is a random breath testing, can I see your driver's license, please?
Me: Oh, yep. (feeling confident and relieved that it's not about speeding, handed over my license.)
PO: Please count to 5 here.
Me: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. (feeling more confident. Of course I didn't drink any alcohol that morning, nor the night before.)
PO: Ok... I also noticed that you didn't have your P plate displayed at the back.
Me: What?!?! No, really? It must've fallen off somewhere.
PO: No, well, you show me where you had it on. Just watch the cars driving past.
Me: Yeah, sure.
Came out of the car, walked around to the back. And, of course, just as PO said, it wasn't there.
Me: Oh, ok... but... but... I normally have them on, just here. (Pointing to the right side of the number plate.)
PO: So, when did you have it on?
Me: Urm... yesterday...? (O how I wish I did not say that...)
PO: See, there's dust here where you are pointing, you didn't have it on for a while.
I started walking around to the front of the car, thinking, "surely, the front one must still be there."
PO: Yeah, the front one, do you have the P plate at the front?
Me: What!?!? (To my shock and horror, the front one was missing too.)
PO: Where do you have it on, usually?
Me: (Somewhat unsure this time, point to the right side of the number plate) Around here...?
PO: There's dust and bugs as well here. See, you didn't have them on for a long time. You lied. I don't like being lied to.
Me: (By this time, I was so shocked and started feeling miserable, had my hands on top of my head.) I.. I have spare P plates in my car, I'll put them on right now.
PO: Yeah? I got lots of them. I can give you some if you want. Do you want them?
Me: No, no, I got some here. I'll just put them on right now...
PO: Well, I'll be right back, this won't take long. (Walks back to his car.)
Me: (getting back into my car and to my wife) Whe... when did we lose our P plates?
Wife: ... I don't know...?
Me: It must've fallen off somewhere and we didn't realise it for a while.
PO: (returning to us) You have driven without your P plates, and there was dust and bugs on the spot where you said you had your P plates on, obviously you did not have the P plates for a while. You are receiving the penalty and the instructions are on this paper. Do you have any questions?
Me: .... no.
PO: Ok, sorry to keep you waiting, have a nice day. (Walks away.)
Me: ... (sigh) ...
Me: (drive away)
... silence in the car for several minutes ...
Me: Sorry, Sulahya. I should've checked.
Wife: That's ok. (smiles)
Me: (sigh)
... more silence in the car for many more minutes ...
Me: Sorry, Sulahya, but... Arrghhh, I'm so upset!
Wife: It's okay. (more smiles)
Me: I mean, sure, I didn't have the P plates on. I'll pay the fine and take the demerit points, but why did he accuse me of lying?
Wife: ...
Me: I feel like writing a letter to the police department for an apology. I don't care about the fine, but why accuse me of lying?
Wife: huh. (small laughter)
... some time later ...
Me: Ok, ok. I have to confess that when I said, "yesterday...?" I was kind of lying. I didn't know whether the plate was on the car yesterday or not.... I just assumed it was on, and I was hoping that he would let me off with just a warning if I told him I had them on yesterday. I should forgive the policeman for accusing me of lying.
Wife: Ok.
Me: Yes, I forgive him. I decided to forgive him, and I forgive him.
Wife: Ok.
... some hours later ...
Me: Oh, I realise that I had been breaking the road rules many times, and I take this as God's gracious warning. I'm not even going to bother appealing for leniency. I'll just pay the fine and I will thank God for reminding me of His grace in my life.
Wife: Yeah... Ok.
... the next day ...
Me: (after paying for the fine online) Oh, God. I'm still upset. What is going on? Why, why am I so upset still?

[The dialogue with the police officer is as accurate as I can remember it. I wish I had the recorded conversation available to me.]


.
.
.

Deep down, I am upset more because of the moral accusation of lying from the policeman than the fine I received. But there is also a sense of being trapped by him (when he asked me when I had the P plate on, since I just assumed I always had them on and didn't pay much attention to it) and also a sense of lost opportunity of appeal for leniency because I didn't say the right words at the time (the policeman informed me well that the conversation is being recorded). But, ultimately, I now realise that I am so upset and unable to let go because I am not satisfied with God's forgiveness and Jesus's righteousness imputed on me. I am hurting from PO's moral accusation because my heart was saying that God's promise is not enough! It is good time to remind myself of Romans 8:1, There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. O, that my heart be satisfied with Him!

I am not a fan of turning any of unfavourable life's events into some kind of lessons. There are cases where such approach may not be appropriate. But in this incident, I need to learn some valuable lessons, and they are:
1) Believe in Jesus who have paid for my sins completely. I no longer need to defend myself. No need to seek my own justification. Jesus is my justification. God declared I am forgiven. True, I am a liar, deserving eternal hell. Also true, that I am blameless in God's eyes, accepted into the blissful heaven where He reigns.
2) Resolved to be satisfied with what God says about me, rather than what people say about me. How long shall I go on fearing men, rather than God?
3) Resolved to speak truth only, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, all the time. Even in a situation where I *might* be able to escape a penalty by telling a half-truth, I must speak the truth. (In my recent experience, when the PO asked me when I had the P plates on, I should have said: "I do not know. I just assumed they were on, because I don't recall taking them off.", instead of squirming out, "... yesterday...?")
4) Resolved to keep to the law of the land to my best ability. It does not honour Jesus to break the law of this land.
5) Resolved to apply the gospel again and again to my own heart, knowing that it is both the sharpest sword to pierce my dull conscience as well as the most soothing balm to my hurting soul.

Also, from The Critical Question for Our Generation:

Ray Ortlund: “The worst this life can shove down our throats, but with the nearness of Jesus, is heaven on earth. The best this life can give, but without Jesus, is a living hell.”

I agree. And this whole event for the past few days, as much as my heart is still sore and grieving, has forced me to rely on Jesus more and for that I am grateful to God. It is His grace that I received this fine. It is His grace in my life that the PO stated the obvious that I am a liar. It is His grace that I continued to seek comfort from God. It is His grace that I can now say that it is His grace. It is all Him. I can boast in none but Jesus.

For those close to me, I ask for your prayers that I may be restored to peace and joy in Jesus.

Prayer for the anxious

Ah, Lord. I feel anxious again. I feel this dread and fear. I am burdened. Forgive me my sin of anxiety. Heal me, God. Heal my heart of this dread, fear, this heaviness, and give me that easy yoke, the light burden. Let me rest in You. (Matt 11:28-30)

A note to myself: About Joy

A Christian hedonist says "God is my joy," NOT "joy is my God."
Delighting in the LORD and simply feeling delighted are two different things.
I must remember that.

God defines me.

This is a response to a question posed by a friend at work. If you find this hard to understand, that's because it's lacking the context. Please just move on.

As a Christian, I no longer measure my self-worth by human standard because it's pointless. I used to measure myself against other people to see if I was any better than them. It wasn't hard to find someone who seemed morally worse than I was, which made me feel somewhat good about myself. But then I met Jesus. Then I understood that
1) I was morally bankrupt. In Jesus, I saw how high God's standard was.
2) comparing my moral behavior with others didn't do any good to me since God knew my heart and trying to soothe my conscience through comparing myself to other people itself was deemed evil in God's eyes.
3) even if measuring my self worth against other people was an acceptable thing, I no longer see the need of it since God says that I'm more precious than I could ever imagine myself to be and that I am pure and blameless in His sight through the blood of Jesus.
4) since God has declared I am of great worth, it's just not satisfying for me to get a sense of self worth by comparing myself to others anymore. Why go after the ignorant's opinion about me when the perfect and all-knowing Judge tells me who I am?
5) going to God for His approval instead of getting my own sense of self worth liberates me from judging others. I'm so bad only God can save me. So how can I look down on other people? I still make this mistake time to time but the gospel foundation reminds me that I can no longer boast about myself.

So in a sense, I kind of accept my own limits as you suggest, but in a different way. I accept the fact that I am a sinner and yet I have every reason to pursue the life of holiness because no matter how miserably I fail each day, I can try again afresh. I don't need to be fatalistic about myself. You might think why I should try at all if Jesus has paid the debt then. That's because my "taste" has changed at a profound level when Jesus met me. I find it much more joyful to keep on trying and find God's grace where I fail, than to just accept my sins and reveling in them.

The doctrine of election

The doctrine of election tells me that I have nothing to boast about myself. But for so long, I've been using it to look down on others since they have nothing to boast about themselves. "Sure, I don't deserve to be loved by God but neither are you!"

As usual, the problem is not the doctrine, but it's my superficial belief in the doctrine. It is my depraved mind that abuses a good doctrine to hide my insecurity about myself and to justify my unloving heart.

Fear of men and unbelief

For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.
- 1 Corinthians 1:22-24

I realised that I didn't really believe this. I kept on hoping to persuade a non-Christian by showing how reasonable and intelligent Christian faith is. I was trying to make sure that the hearer understood that I was no fool by anyone's standard. I was giving so much effort into presenting the Christian faith in a way that sounds smart and reasonable. I was hoping that they wouldn't classify me as one of those "crazy Evangelicals" on TV, or fanatical Muslims, or ridiculously religious looking Hindus, and so on. I just didn't want to look foolish.

I foolish I have been indeed.

Faith in Jesus actually is the most beneficial, smartest, wisest decision anyone could make, but to outsiders, it'll never look that way. And the bible so plainly says so. What have I been trying to do all this while?

It was my insecurity and fear of men. It was my unbelief in the power of God in the gospel of Jesus. It crippled me in preaching the gospel, and robbed me of the joy and confidence in God's power. Instead, just as I feared, my arguments only fell to the ground and didn't penetrate the hearers' conscience or logic. I tried. I failed. Thank God I failed, otherwise I might have boasted in my "evangelism."

Oh, save me, Lord, from my idols of reputation and acceptance before men. May I be like those apostles who rejoiced when they were flogged because they were counted worthy of suffering for the Name of Lord (Acts 5:41). May I be secure in what You say, that I am your beloved son and you count me as pure and blameless, washed spotless. May I trust in Jesus instead of trusting in my logical arguments. May I find peace and acceptance in God through Jesus rather than seeking the approval of men. Save me or I die, Lord.

Shadowboxing

Sometimes I do a shadow boxing. Not a physical kind. Mine happens within my own mind. It usually goes like me imagining a sparring partner making a statement, and me trying to respond to that statement.

My shadow boxing partner: Christianity is crap!
Me: Well, yes and no. If you mean by Christianity a kind of religious pretension that you can get to heaven by attending a church, say the right things, and refrain from certain sins, you are right. Christianity is crap and below. But the Christianity as it is meant to be, the truth of Jesus, the living faith in Him, and the community of His redeemed people, then, no, Christianity is the best thing you could ask for in this world.

Partner: Ok, but church is really crap. I heard of enough horror in the church. They are just a bunch of hypocrites.
Me: Yes, and no.
Yes, there are plenty of horrible things that happened in churches, and by the churches. I tell you, the church I attend to isn't necessarily the nicest place you would want to be. Most of time, they are really nice, but once in a while, they will make you feel hurt and sin against you even. They are anything but a perfect people. Yet, I tell you, that Jesus called His church His bride. I wouldn't go around bad-mouthing the bride of the King. The bride is far from perfect, and we still have much to learn, and we should. But just be careful when you are speaking about the King's bride. The King loves His bride.

Partner: Nay, cut the crap. Jesus is no King. He's fake. He's the crappest of all!
Me: No, you are crap. Shut up. I might say yes and no for some things related to Christianity because there are always people involved. And people are sinners whether Christians or not. And so you will find "crappiness" in those things. But no. Jesus is good. He is perfect. He is sinless. He is better than you can ever imagine. That goes for me too. He is always better than I expect Him to be. He never deserves to be called "crap". But this amazing King endures such an insult even now. His grace endures. His mercy continues. But beware, there is a day coming. He will stop the mouths of slanderers and shine His light of glory in full. That's when my joy will be complete, to behold His beauty and worship Him. No, He is not crap. You really should get to know Him better before it's too late.

(Photo source: Eric Conveys Emotion)

Control and unbelief

How pervasive is my unbelief.

God said that He is good and gracious, and He had demonstrated His character over and over again. Through creation, the seasons, and mornings after nights. He had proved His goodness towards me over and over again so intimately. And He had sent His Son to redeem this world full of rebels against Him, proving His gracious character once and for all. At a great cost to Himself, He showed His character is trustworthy. And yet, my lack of faith in God is more pervasive than I'd like to think. It is only when I do realise an incident, an expression of that unbelief, that I am appalled and frightened.

Here is one of those incidents.

I have had really wonderful past few days. It was my first time entering a new year with a wife. And I spent really good time with close friends who welcomed us into their house, nay, more into their lives and made us feel loved and encouraged. It was one of the best beginnings of the year I had.

But then, today, I suddenly felt as though I had to make sure that they knew I really enjoyed the time and want to do it again. I felt I had to tell them in a special way how much I appreciate their friendship.

Why, you might be thinking, that sounds good and right?

It was then when God illumined a corner of my heart to make me realise that my desire to let my friends know about my appreciation towards them was very much tainted with another desire that was more sinister. I need to have a control over this relationship I enjoyed in recent few days. I wanted to make sure it continued and I felt fearful at the thought of not being able to have such wonderful fellowship again in the future. I felt as though I needed to do something to make the relationship more concrete. I felt I needed to take control of this precious relationship that I enjoyed so I could have such a great fellowship again in the future.

But why? Why did I come to feel this way? How did I come to decide that I needed to take control of this relationship?

Did I earn this wonderful friends first place?
Was there anything that I did to make these friends come into existence? Did I cause this friendship? Did I create the wonderful, joyful, fun, and encouraging time myself?
No, no, no, and no.

I was only given a joy ride and before I knew it, I was riding in it. Not as a driver, but as a passenger. I'd rather be a passenger when I'm on a joy ride, not a driver. The driver's working while passengers are having fun.

So why try to take control of it now? Why feel the need to take the control of it now?

Answer: I do not trust that God would grant me such wonderful time in the future, unless I do something about it to secure it now.
I do not trust that God is full of grace and goodness that all these things that I enjoy are simply result of His overflowing kindness towards me.
I enjoyed these recent days, but why? I must've earned it by my effort. I did it! I somehow, by some kind of good deeds that I had done, I deserved their friendship and joyful time we had!

How wrong I was. And how good that I WAS wrong! All is gift, and all praise and glory is to Him who gives abundantly!

Oh, Lord, I believe that You are kind towards me because You are full of grace. Help my unbelief, and take control of my life.

(Photo source: photobucket)

No need to prove myself

What it means to believe in a sovereign God

I have a lot of worries. My friends and families told me in numerous occasions to stop worrying about things so much. They lovingly reminded me of God who is in control and I need to trust him more and needn't worry so much with what may come my way in the future.

What I haven't realised till recently, was that I believe in a sovereign God.
Not that the sovereignty of God was a new thing to me, but I failed to see an aspect of it.
I believe in the sovereignty of God and I have been taking and do take great comfort from the fact that He is in control of all things including my life. But most often, my vision was only on the eternity in the future. I was only trying to take comfort of knowing sovereign God who has elected me out of His own pleasure, and will not fail to take me home one day. When I learned this a few years ago, it was a kind of revolution in my spiritual life. It really did not lie within my power to save myself, but all is done by God's grace and I am eternally thankful and can be reassured of His unfailing purposes. It was magnificent salvation, God was majestic in His total, sovereign rule.

Yet, how foolish and slow is my heart, that it escaped me, that God is sovereign not only in the grand scheme of salvation of His people, but while I live on this earth, on this 4th of October, 2010, He is involved in my life, He is not losing any sight on what is going on in my life, He does protect me, and guard my steps. He knows what I am fearful of, what I am worried about, what I am capable of at this moment, what are my weaknesses, physically, and spiritually, relationally, and intellectually. In all things, He has not lost touch with any thing.

So I ask myself, what am I so afraid of?
I do not know what tomorrow will bring.
I do not know where God is going to take me and my family, and my church.
I don't know what's going to cost me.
I have been disappointed many times in the past with what had happened around me, whether that be personal relationships, sufferings of close family members, or some kind of heart-aching, desperate situation at church.
While I acknowledged that all these happened for a purpose and God had His gracious hand in these, I am still quite a skeptic and a cynic, while desperately trying to control this fear within me whenever some changes are on the horizon.

But, the question I need to come back to is this.
Do I believe in God who is absolutely sovereign?
The God who reigns over the rise and fall of empires over the history of the human race.
The God who is in control of where rain would fall and Sun would shine.
The God who decides where and when a new star is to be born, and an old star destroyed.
The God who chose a man out of idol-filled nation, and brought through that one old man, a multitude of God worshippers and ultimately, the promised Messiah, His only Son.
The God who throughout the two millennia, against all imaginable odds, protected, nurtured, and renewed church to carry out His mission with the gospel of grace.
This grand God is also the God who is in charge of which sparrow would fall to the ground, and numbers the hair on our head. (Matthew 10:29-31)

So Jesus told us:

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (Matthew 6:25-33)

I am not fearless. I am not completely worry-less. I am one of whom Jesus here calls, "you of little faith." I do not have a great faith. But I know this great God. So I will, by His grace, stand and face uncertainties in life. And when all things are over and done with, no tongue would praise my strength as if I got myself through it all, but only God's sustaining power be known and His Name be exalted high.